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Still Alive But I'm Barely Breathing...



What looks like strength to other people is really just a desperation to keep my head afloat after a tragedy that now engulfs my every moment. I know sleep is important, so I'm sleeping. I know taking my meds is important, so I do that. Going to therapists, doing Sadhanas, etc. etc. I also regularly bathe and do a beauty routine. I am somehow the most functional I've been in recent history on the outside, but inside I'm still wailing. I'm still sitting there listening to a doctor tell me everything I had hoped and dreamed of would not come true. Maybe that's why I'm just moving and moving. I know when I stop it'll hit me.


But it happened, and I can't control when it hits me. It comes in waves and from seemingly random catalysts, and it hasn't gotten any better. I know I'm still in shock because this is just going on week 5. This all happened 5 weeks ago. It feels like 300 lifetimes ago. It simultaneously feels like I was just a very pregnant person yesterday. And today? Today I'm just an overweight and unattractive woman, or so the negative voices tell me, (My higher self would like to remind me that my body just went through a trauma and it's doing its damndest to stabilize).


What I am immensely grateful for today is the power of the small commUNITY we are building here. They are what keep me going. They are who made me remember to do my Sun Salutations this morning for myself. Just from a beautiful check-in on Sunday with some awesome women. To be reminded that you're loved and valued, especially at a time like this is monumental. And I continue to be amazed by the generousness of people who have done everything to support me in a variety of mind-blowing ways. I couldn't do this alone, and I'm hoping through my sort of healing out loud that this inspires you too.


Somehow. I don't always express myself well, by text or video. I'm not always brave, in fact I'm usually quivering with just enough of a mask to make it back and forth to the nearest grocery store without breaking down. But like barely lol.


Anyway, that's where I am today... Alive, doing my best to bear some unbearable pain, and grateful for this space.


What are you grateful for?

How has this space helped you?


All my Love,

CJ


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